I'm Afraid of Jesus

Does the title of this post shock you? Well, it shocks me, and I'm the one who wrote it! You must know that it is true. This isn't fiction. This is a man laying his soul open through a blog. Yes, shamefully, I'm afraid of Jesus.

I'm afraid of his mystery. I'm afraid of the things about him that I don't know. What if I miss something? What if he does something unexpected? What if I think one thing about him, but then find out later that I was wrong? What happens then?

At various times in my life I've been afraid of what I might lose if I become one of those "Jesus Freaks." What if I lose my reputation among my friends and family? What if I lose my job? (I once quit a job, giving no prior notice, because I felt it was what God wanted me to do. Probably wasn't wise, but I was desperate to do what he wanted. I was scared not to. Been there?) I mean, that happens to people right? They choose to follow Jesus and end up losing all those good things like jobs, reputations, money, etc.

I'm also afraid of what Jesus may not give me if I follow him. What if I miss out on the joy of life, because I choose to follow him? What if I choose to make myself miserable by making my life an endless list of obligations to Jesus (the do's and do not's of life)? What if I'm lonely the rest of my life? I used to be terrified by this thought: what if I choose to follow Jesus, and by choosing to follow, that means no marriage for me. Jesus couldn't possible give me that. I want it, and Jesus never gives me things I want.

And what if he changes me? What if he brings things up out of the depths of my heart that I want to keep pushed down? I put them down there for a reason, and there they should stay, right? What if he wants to talk to me about my anger? What if he wants to bring up my anxiety? Terrifying.

So, for all these things and more, there have been times in my life when, I must confess, I have been afraid of Jesus. I think we see some of this in the gospel of Matthew. When King Herod hears that one has been born "King of the Jews" he becomes "troubled." (Matthew 2:1-3) Although Herod didn't know the identity of this other "King of the Jews", Jesus' birth presented a problem for Herod. Herod had to think, "What if my power is challenged? What if this new king's followers rise up and try to overthrow me? What does this mean? What do I do now?" Herod had to have a strong desire to stay in power. I probably would to if I was a king.

And you know what? I have a strong desire to have the power in my own life, too. I want to remain on top. So, the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus presents a problem. His coming causes me to ask: what if I lose control of my life? What if Jesus makes me uncomfortable? What if he asks me to do something I don't want to do? What if I end up isolated, lonely, and labeled one of those Christian fanatics? What do I do now?

I'll admit that there are still those times when I'm afraid of Jesus. I do let doubt creep in sometimes. But, as I pause, take some time and reflect on what Jesus coming for me means, those fears do seem to slip away. "For he rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." (Colossians 1:13, 14) Quoting this verse isn't an attempt to erase doubt and fear. Rather, it is to say that there is something I've found that is more powerful than fear: God's presence. Fear keeps me in the dark, but God, through Jesus, pulled me out of the dark. I may fear losing some things in this life, but I get so much more in his presence. I may fear that I won't have enough, but his presence really is enough. My fear of Jesus may cause me to distance myself, but it is for that very reason that he came, destroying the distance. This is a comforting Advent thought for me: even in the midst of my occasional fear of him, Jesus' presence is there.